Wow, I haven’t posted in a year.  What a year…

Well, I am in a weird space these days.  I am not gonna lie, things have been a little rough lately. While I always have a baseline level of gratitude and have so much to be thankful for, I also have some stuff in my life right now that just plain sucks.

I’m almost 36 years old and I’m still single. I have been dating off and on, but just cannot seem to find the right person. I was recently dating someone who I thought was really going to work out and be great and he just didn’t.  It really frustrates me because I had actually attracted someone who seemed so available (I have had a tendency of going after unavailable men for a while now) and was really proud of myself for working through my issues around being with an available man, and then BAM, he became unavailable.  Arrrggghhhh!  It’s like he was a shape-shifter and just appeared to be available.  I was tricked!  I’m trying to remind myself that I actually overcame something huge and learned a lot from this situation, but it is hard to be positive when all I feel is sadness, anger and disappointment.  I often wonder when I will finally find that person that will be my partner in crime.  I am no Spring Chicken and it’s starting to get frustrating.  I do want marriage and kids, so the clock is ticking.  Plus most of my friends are married or in relationships and it’s hard to feel connected to those people.  I’m starting to feel like Bridget Jones, but even she found someone by her early thirties.

Then there’s the school/practicum situation…I don’t even know how to begin to explain that.  Let’s just say that it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with (besides my father’s death).  It is frustrating beyond words.  And if I don’t find a practicum site soon, my graduation will be postponed for who knows how long, which means my licensing is postponed, therefore my career is postponed, therefore my livelihood, etc.  So yeah, that’s pretty scary.

I of course, have so much to be grateful for.  I have an amazing family, a great place to live, I love being back in Portland, I love my animals (even when they’re annoying), and I have great friends (when I get to see them).  I also love The Bar Method and am grateful for what it has brought into my life.  I also have my health and after having a health scare a couple of months ago, I am really grateful for that.

I’m trying so hard to see the positive through all this pain, doubt, uncertainty, etc.  But sometimes I just have to give into it and know that feeling THROUGH it is the only way out.  But I need a little help from The Universe…just a little sign that I’m on the right path and that it will all work out soon.

Just a little vlog to give gratitude to California.

I have been thinking a lot today about where I was just a year ago in my life. This past year has definitely been a rough one, but a beautiful one as well. It has been a time for me to be in my cocoon of healing and rediscovering myself and I am now re-emerging.

They say (they being scientists, I guess) that once a caterpillar goes into its cocoon, it literally liquifies down to the molecular level to be able to transform into a butterfly. Then when it is ready, it has to break out of its cocoon. The process by which it breaks out is what develops its wing strength in order for it to be able to then fly. If someone were to let the butterfly out too early, it would not be ready.

I think about this phenomenon a lot. It is obviously a great spiritual metaphor. it definitely has been a good one for me over the past year. One year ago, I was in the midst of ending my 5-year relationship, moving out of the apartment I shared with him, dealing with a traumatic haircut (sounds ridiculous, but it was horrible for me at the time), starting a new job, dealing with having gained weight yet again, trying to wrap up my final year at Cal, applying to grad school, etc. I was depressed. It was really hard. All of it. I wasn’t very happy in the Bay Area, didn’t have friends that I really wanted to hang out with and just felt very lost. Hooping wasn’t even doing it for me anymore.

But I kept on truckin’ through it, knowing deep down that it was just a cocooning time for me. Time to just heal and reflect and make it through my everyday existence. And I practiced a lot of gratitude…because I still had so much to be grateful for…I always do.

And NOW…wow. One year later and I am a different person. Still the same silly Jen, but with shiny new butterfly wings. I have emerged from my cocoon and am spreading my wings. People tried to bust me out early, but I waited. I knew I needed to wait. I needed my strength. And boy was it worth it.

I have lost 15 pounds and am losing more every month. I look forward to my active lifestyle now. I need it. I’m even finding myself in the hoop again. My hair is growing out and I feel like myself again. I have embraced myself in so many ways…rockin’ my tattoos, the way I operate in the world, my passions, my strengths, my weaknesses, etc. Just me. I am in grad school and my program is incredible. It is going to change me for the better…it actually already has.

I am also finally moving back to Portland and I am stoked. While it is hard to leave the Bay Area after meeting so many great people over the past few months, I know this is my path. I am someone who follows her gut, as crazy as it seems sometimes, and my gut is telling me to move back to Portland. So I am going with it. I am also starting my coaching business. It’s pretty much one of the scariest things I have ever done, but it feels so right. I’m on my edge and I’m loving what it is creating in me.

I am also functioning on an emotional, mental and spiritual level like never before. There is so much changing in the way I relate to others, communicate, think about myself, etc. It is so beautiful. And challenging. But I totally get bored without a good challenge, so…

So yeah…life is good. Life is beautiful. I am grateful for all of it. Even the vulnerable moments, the moments that shake me to my core. They are still there of course. But I embrace them all. I know they lead to the epic moments of joy and connection that I thrive on. Which reminds me…check out my recent inspiration:

I have taken a pretty long break from hooping…haven’t hooped regularly in about a year and a half. But I felt drawn to hoop tonight and decided to even do a video. I’m pretty tired and goofy in it, which always makes for a fun time.

As many of you know, I have recently decided to move back to what I consider to be the best city in the world, also known as Portland, Oregon.  I was born and raised in the Portland Metropolitan Area (aside from the 4 years I lived Mukilteo, WA from age 2-6, which all I remember of is eating a lot of Mac ‘N Cheese and watching a lot of Wonder Woman), so for me this means I am going home!  Most of my family lives in the Portland area and I have a lot of amazing friends there too.

So I’m pretty damn excited about finally going home again…except for when I am at my new amazing grad school, CIIS.  Man, when I am there, I get really bummed that I finally found some real quality people I want to hang out with in the Bay Area and now I am leaving…how crazy am I?!  But even though I am connecting with all these new, amazing people, every time I consider staying I realize that I just really want to move back to PDX.  For so many reasons.  Plus, I know that I will maintain these connections because I will spend one long weekend a month with these peeps AND our connections are on a much deeper level than your average friendship because of the program/situation we are in.  Good stuff.

But back to why I want to move to Portland: the overarching reason is the fact that I want to settle down there.  I want to have a life there.  I want to raise kids there. So being that I am single right now and the chances of me meeting someone down here who would want to move to Portland are slim, it’s a really good time for me to move up there.  And very soon I will have to start finding a clinic to do my practicum in.  Practicum is where I get a large amount of the clinical hours I will need for licensing as a psychotherapist…and they are done while you are in school…kind of like an internship.  Well it makes sense that if I want to eventually be licensed in Oregon, that I need to get my hours in Oregon and should start networking in the Portland therapeutic community as soon as possible in order to find a great practicum there!

So it really makes sense for me to move NOW.  Plus I just freaking heart Portland more than I can explain and have missed it the entire 9 years I have been away.  Most of the time I was gone I talked about moving back someday, had Oregon stickers on my car, etc.  In the past year I especially started noticing that I was doing a little of the “when I finally move back to Portland, then my life can really start”.  While I don’t want to think like that about anything, I also realized that it was a clear message that I needed to just get back soon.  I’m glad I got to experience both L.A. and the Bay Area…they rock in their own way too.  But, as Tom Petty says, it’s time to move on.

Okay another thing I feel I need to process through by writing…I want a creative outlet.  I feel that I don’t really have one right now, and I think it is one of several things that is keeping me from feeling fulfilled at this point in my life.

I consider myself to be a creative person…sort of.  I do not think I am creative in a way that I would like to be.  If I had my way, I would want one of my gifts to be painting, or songwriting and singing, etc.  The two big creative outlets I have ever had in my life are dancing and acting.  I was a dancer growing up and considered going professional, but chose not to for many reasons.  (I also don’t think I was good enough, anyway).  So instead, I set my sights on acting.  I made the big move to L.A., seriously pursued a career for almost 6 years and then let it go for many reasons.  I’m glad I went for it.  It sometimes is still hard for me to watch a movie or a TV show and have that “if only” feeling.  But I have chosen not to pursue that life anymore, and overall I am really happy with my choice.  It is a hard life to live and it was really conflicting with who I really want to be.

So I guess I sometimes wish I could be a musician or a painter, or some other tangible artist that produces things people can enjoy…where I can be my quirky self and it doesn’t matter what I look like.  I can’t do that with acting, and my body just isn’t in a space to be a professional dancer.

I have so many creative artsy friends and it kills me.  They are all so incredibly talented.  I have major creativity envy…I know that seems so wrong, but I just do.

I have tried it all…drawing, painting, photography, ceramics, crocheting, sewing, guitar, web design,  etc.  To no avail.  I also have a bad habit of not liking not being good at something…so I don’t spend a very long time working at something because I either get bored or frustrated or too busy.

I guess I have this idea in my head that if I find the “right” thing, I will be naturally good at it and it will be so fun because I have such a passion for it.  I will be in flow. Another one of my problems is that I compare myself too much to others.  I get involved in some creative endeavor and find others who are doing it too and they seem to enjoy it more than me and be way better at it than me and then I am just over it.

This happened most recently with hooping.  The passion for it just went away after being around soooo many hoopers who were shedding their blood, sweat and tears to make it their life’s work.  I didn’t want to do that and just didn’t enjoy it as much anymore.  But hooping did bring me back to dancing and that has been wonderful.  I do dance for fun these days…mostly just for me.  For exercise, meditation, realease, etc.  I don’t like to take classes (I grew up doing that for way too long), I just want to moooove to amazing music when I feel the urge.

I have been getting really bummed out lately by the idea of sewing.  I sewed a super cute outfit when I was like 12 and it won the 4-H Blue Ribbon at the Washington County Fair.  So yeah, I have been able to sew in my life.  Several years ago my mom got me a sewing machine for my birthday.  I was stoked!  I had all these plans to make all these amazing clothes…but I never did.  I made some scarves that were fun and attempted hats…not well.  That was about it. The sewing machine moved with me from place to place and just haunted me while it collected dust.  I would look at it and feel this desire to create stuff, but then be depressed by my lack of ability.  I get very frustrated doing detail work.  I am a little bit of a perfectionist, so that kind of thing drives me nuts because I will never get it right, it seems.  I finally gave my sewing machine away a couple of years ago.  It was relieving, but at the same time sad.  I still have such an urge to make clothes…I have all kinds of designs in my head that I think would be really cool, but executing them seems insane.  I have a few clothing designer friends that have their clothing lines made for them, but that is a huge undertaking as well…but I’ve considered it.  I also have all these friends who dabble in sewing, often for Burning Man costumes…and they turn out great.  So I get discouraged yet again (especially after I tried to alter a coat a few years ago for B-Man and I just wanted to pull my hair out the whole time, it turned out so badly).  I know I could just take a sewing class and start learning the basics again, but I just haven’t taken the time.

Similar story with painting and guitar.  I took a painting class years ago and really enjoyed it.  I painted a few things after, some horrible, others okay.  But finally I got sick of owning an easel and all these canvases and paints.  They were just cluttering my life (along with my sewing machine) and just haunting me every time I looked at them.  I was never going to be some amazing painter, so why even bother?  And the guitar…well my dad gave my his many years ago because he never played it and I expressed an interest in it.  I started playing a little but never took lessons and got discouraged because I don’t really have a natural musical ear.  I also love to sing, but I don’t think I sing that well.  Nor do I write well.  So again, it sat around, collecting dust and making me feel guilty…especially after my dad died.  Last year, I finally let go of it and sold it.  That was hard on many levels.

But here I am, wishing I still had a guitar and a sewing machine and an easel.  Or just wishing I could make amazing jewelry, or websites, or ANYTHING.  I wish I could produce something unique.

My therapist and I have talked about this a bit and she reminds me that it’s not even about producing anything good.  It’s just about creating…whatever comes out.  I guess I don’t even know where to start with that. I don’t want to buy a whole bunch of supplies for something that isn’t going to get me anywhere.

Ugh, I feel like I am talking in circles at this point.  I just have a lot of energy about this topic.  I want to realize my gifts and use them in a fulfilling way.  I think I have gifts that will make me a good therapist, so at least I am on that path.  But I also really need a creative outlet…and soon.

Do any of you have thoughts on the subject of creativity?

I love it when I have a random epiphany…it’s usually when I least expect it. I would imagine it would be during meditation or something, but since I am not a regular meditator, it usually happens during a quiet moment in my day and often while I am listening to one of my favorite songs…like today, when I was walking to my chiropractic appointment listening to this.

Most of you probably know that I have recently been considering moving back to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career again.  This is definitely a new option in my life, brought on by a road trip to L.A., a rough time in the Bay Area and inspired by great friends and a fun meeting with my agents.  Upon returning from said road trip, I mulled it over for a few days and then proceeded to drop out of my grad program and apply for a different version of the same program – one where I will only need to be in the Bay Area once a month for a long weekend.  I know I will get into this program, so I will still be on track to have my Masters by the end of 2012…you know, when the world ends.  So last week I felt I had made the decision to move to L.A. when my lease is up in December.  I was nervous, scared, excited…you name it, I was feeling it.

But this past weekend I went to Movement Play, which was incredible.  It reminded me of how many quality people I know in the Bay Area and how lucky I am to be part of such an inspiring community.  So then all of a sudden over the weekend I was questioning my wanting to move to L.A.

There is also the issue of me always wanting to move back to Oregon, specifically Portland.  I miss it so much and have always longed to be home.  I am going for a visit tomorrow and I know I will feel that pull even stronger than usual by being there.

So where the hell do I move to when my lease is up? Do I go back to Los Angeles and hang with my great friends there, pay cheaper rent than I am now and pursue my acting with the possibility of booking a commercial like my Wells Fargo one that could pay off my student loans and then some?  Or do I go back to Portland where my family is, I have tons of friends, it’s even cheaper than LA and SF and I love the weather?  Or do I just stay in the Bay Area and keep cultivating the life I have here?

This leads me to today’s little epiphany.  The Bliss and  Joy I seek is not in just ONE of these places.  It is wherever I go.  I always have it in me and I carry it with me! There is no wrong decision…any of these places will be wonderful in their own way.  I can create whatever I desire in each of these places…just possibly in a different way from place to place.

So I just need to remind myself of this during this time of transition.  I keep telling myself to remain open to the possibilities and options that lay before me.  How lucky am I to not be tied down to any one place?  I will not always have that luxury, so I am going to take advantage of it and see what I can explore!

I am OPEN to the FLOW…I TRUST the Universe and my Higher Self to guide me towards my fulfillment.  I know CLARITY will come if I ALLOW it.

Dear Mom~

Wow, where do I begin?  I’m already in tears thinking about this letter.  I love you so much, I just wish I could actually express the level I feel it in words.  I know you know, but I want to at least express it a little bit.

Thank you.  Thank you for bringing me into this world.  Thank you for being an incredible mother.  We are twin souls who have traveled together for many lives, I can tell.  Maybe it is the fact that we are both Aquarians and have our moons and rising signs in Virgo and Libra (just switched)….or maybe it is that we are both INFJs…I just know we are meant to be together.  We bring out the best in each other…most of the time.  We of course have our issues, but as far as mothers and daughters go, I’d say our issues are pretty mild and really come from a place of love more than anything.

You inspire me.  You are one of the kindest, most gentle souls I have ever come across.  You taught me to be kind and gentle and I so appreciate that.  You have taught me so much more than that too.  But I would say that kindness and gentleness encompasses most of it.  You tread lightly on this planet, yet make your mark on everyone you meet.  People instantly feel close to you because you are such an open, positive, caring person.  You are so unassuming and you catch people off guard by how amazing you are when they get to know you.  You are sweet, yet you know how to bring out the big guns if anyone messes with your family and friends…and you do it in a way that is still full of integrity and respect.  You are brilliant, truly a perfect balance of creativity and amazing intelligence.  You are Cherished Whimsical.  You are a light to all who cross your path.  You have a labyrinth in your front yard.  You feed the faeries every summer.  You still give me gifts from Santa.  You crack me up.  You are a brilliant writer whose power has not yet been unleashed.  I love that you embrace your imagination and creativity and yet are so logical and balanced.  It is perfect.

I am grateful.  I am so grateful for all of your support as you encourage me to follow my dreams and my instincts.  You have been my number one fan in everything I do.  I am one of the luckiest people alive because of you.  You are always there to listen to me, guide me, laugh with me, cry with me, etc.  We can talk about TV shows we love, movies, our love of animals and telling stories about them having human qualities, existential topics, politics, religion, etc.  I can talk with you about anything.  We have an unbreakable bond made of light, love, joy and respect.

I love that our relationship has gotten even stronger as I get older.  I love our conversations.  They are often the highlight of my days.  I look forward to connecting with you more and more on our journey in this thing called life.  I look forward to having kids and having you be around to guide me in that endeavor.  You raised me well and I hope to be as wonderful of a mother as you have been to me.

You are my best friend.  I love you.