Most of you probably know that I have recently been considering moving back to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career again.  This is definitely a new option in my life, brought on by a road trip to L.A., a rough time in the Bay Area and inspired by great friends and a fun meeting with my agents.  Upon returning from said road trip, I mulled it over for a few days and then proceeded to drop out of my grad program and apply for a different version of the same program – one where I will only need to be in the Bay Area once a month for a long weekend.  I know I will get into this program, so I will still be on track to have my Masters by the end of 2012…you know, when the world ends.  So last week I felt I had made the decision to move to L.A. when my lease is up in December.  I was nervous, scared, excited…you name it, I was feeling it.

But this past weekend I went to Movement Play, which was incredible.  It reminded me of how many quality people I know in the Bay Area and how lucky I am to be part of such an inspiring community.  So then all of a sudden over the weekend I was questioning my wanting to move to L.A.

There is also the issue of me always wanting to move back to Oregon, specifically Portland.  I miss it so much and have always longed to be home.  I am going for a visit tomorrow and I know I will feel that pull even stronger than usual by being there.

So where the hell do I move to when my lease is up? Do I go back to Los Angeles and hang with my great friends there, pay cheaper rent than I am now and pursue my acting with the possibility of booking a commercial like my Wells Fargo one that could pay off my student loans and then some?  Or do I go back to Portland where my family is, I have tons of friends, it’s even cheaper than LA and SF and I love the weather?  Or do I just stay in the Bay Area and keep cultivating the life I have here?

This leads me to today’s little epiphany.  The Bliss and  Joy I seek is not in just ONE of these places.  It is wherever I go.  I always have it in me and I carry it with me! There is no wrong decision…any of these places will be wonderful in their own way.  I can create whatever I desire in each of these places…just possibly in a different way from place to place.

So I just need to remind myself of this during this time of transition.  I keep telling myself to remain open to the possibilities and options that lay before me.  How lucky am I to not be tied down to any one place?  I will not always have that luxury, so I am going to take advantage of it and see what I can explore!

I am OPEN to the FLOW…I TRUST the Universe and my Higher Self to guide me towards my fulfillment.  I know CLARITY will come if I ALLOW it.

As some of you may know, Stan (my man) and I have been going through some rough times recently.  Fortunately, it looks like we have made it through fairly unscathed.  That’s not to say that everything is perfect and that we don’t have some work to do, but who doesn’t, right?

The situation is this:  We have been together for almost 5 years and have been living together for 4 years.  In March, Stan got an AWESOME job in Florida that we thought would only last a few weeks, so he went there thinking he could fanagle it into something he could maybe do from here after a bit.  Well a few weeks has turned into a few months and as of right now, it looks like he will be there until January or so.  But it is so worth it as he is getting paid an excellent salary and it is opening the doors for so many more opportunities for him.  I am so proud of him and would never want him to sacrifice something so incredible just for me.  But the distance is hard.  We had some underlying issues and him being away sort of put them under a magnifying glass, which led to some major turmoil for a while there.  But through honestly and communication with each other, we have really worked through some of these issues and made the commitment to stay together and keep on working!  We just have so much love and respect for each other and still enjoy each other’s company so immensely…and at the end of the day, we are happier together than we are apart.

This whole thing has really developed into some major personal growth for both of us as well and I am so grateful to be partnered with someone so willing to look at his own sh*t and wanting to be a better person.  I am also seeing relationships in a whole new light and it has been interesting observing so many of my friends going through relationship turmoil and seeing how different they all are and the process each of them is going through.  It is making me realize more and more that I really do belong in the Counseling Psychology realm and that getting my MFT will be perfect for me.  I actually think I would be interested in doing couple’s counseling as well, something I had never really considered.

Anyway, I got to see Stan last weekend and it was wonderful, but hard when he left.  We are going to really try to see each other as often as we can during this time.  But we also appreciate the fact that this is a time for us to really work on ourselves more on an individual basis and to get some of our many projects done.  We both have so many incredible opportunities in front of us right now and are so busy with tons of amazing things, so I know that our time apart will go by quickly.

I would just like to thank the Universe for allowing us to have a second chance and letting us see the light before it was too late!  I truly think a lot of people either bail on relationships too soon or wait too long before truly dealing with the issues.  Relationships are mirrors to our own soul and really reflect who we are and the issues we have…maybe if we saw them more that way, and used them more to grow personally, I think people might be a lot happier in the long run.

I also have to give my wonderful Clarity Breathworker, Maggie,  some credit.  She has really been helping me through this time and clarifying so much for me.  She is the best therapist I have ever had, and I hope to be able to help people as much as she has been helping me!

Here is the video I shot of myself about 20 minutes after I found out…I was buzzing with excitment!  It’s funny to hear myself talking about working at VZW since I got “fired” a week later because they found out I would be leaving in the fall for UCB.  Yeah, like I was going to choose working at Verizon over going to fucking Berkeley…sheesh!  (I got unemployment out of it too, so it really worked out well for me).  I also of course have completely different hair, as usual.  Enjoy!

1.  I was born in an ambulance under the Walker Road Overpass on HWY 217 in Portland, Oregon.  I was 3 weeks premature and surprised my mom, hence the ambulance.  What can I say, I like to make a dramatic entrance, I guess.

2.  Even though my birthday was supposed to be Feb 10th (Aquarius), I was born Jan. 22nd, still making me an Aquarius…same as my mom…twas meant to be.  In fact my mom and I are not only both Aquarians but I have a Libra Moon and a Virgo Rising and she has Virgo Moon and a Libra Rising.  I think we have been connected in many past lives…our souls like to be together.

3.  For some reason, I smell my deodorant before I put it on every day….I have no idea why, I just always have.  I like smelling things, even if I know they will be bad.  I have a very good sense of smell which sometimes can be a curse…especially in a house with 5 animals.

4.  I am amazed at how easily I was able to let go of my acting dream and am so grateful for the passion I feel for the field of Psychology and the Healing Arts/Metaphysical World.  It just goes to show that you should just always follow your gut, even if it is sometimes challenging…no regrets!!!  I am getting my B.A. in Psychology at UC Berkeley right now and am definitely planning on going to Grad School in the Fall of 2010.  I am not sure if I will just pursue my Masters at first or just go for my PhD or PsyD right away.  I have a feeling I will just do my Masters first to be able to start working in the field so that I can get my Doctorate later when I feel I have a better grasp on exactly what I want to study.

5.  I am a fairly intelligent girl, but am also super scatterbrained at the same time.  I lose my keys, phone, wallet, ipod, etc. way too often.  I am often running around forgetting things…but I am also oddly organized and find that my mind is like a steel trap at times.

6.  I am excited about the prospect of helping people, but sometimes laugh at it too because I have so many issues and cannot imagine giving others advice.  But I know I am doing the kind of work on myself that helps me understand where people are coming from…I know I am a healer in many ways and I am ready to develop that more.

7.  One of my favorite movies is Sliding Doors because I truly believe everything happens for a reason and that certain things will happen no matter what you do, because they are meant for you.  It’s not the best movie ever made, but the message is wonderful.

8.  I am coming to terms with who I truly am and not looking at things about me as flaws, but as complex parts.  It is a beautiful feeling and is helping me to look at others the same way.

9. One of my complex parts is that I love McDonald’s. I can feel everyone cringing right now and thinking all sorts of judgmental thoughts. Yes I know all about the food and have seen Super Size Me a million times (Morgan Spurlock is one of my fave people)…but I grew up on it and it is still something I enjoy. I would like to allow myself to have it every once in a while and not feel guilty about it. One of the things I struggle with is the fact that in my heart I wish I was vegan because of the animals. But I find that I crave meat sometimes (after being a vegetarian off and on for 14 years) and love cheese and things too much as well. I also find that right now I do not have the time to really focus on it. I do not actually eat a lot of meat, and I eat a lot of dairy/meat substitutes where I can….and that’s my best right now.

10. My dad was gay and died of AIDS a little over 9 years ago.  He was an amazing man who I am proud the be the daughter of.

11.  When Kurt Cobain died I had a shrine to him in my apartment…I was a senior in high school (yes I had an apartment in high school).  That’s a whole other story.

12.  I used to have a tendency to become a little obsessed with movie stars/musicians…never in a stalking way of course (no letters or anything that extreme)…but they took over my thoughts for a bit…a few of them were:  Kurt Cobain, Gale Harold,  Jake Gyllenhaal, Zach Braff, Jason London, Adrian Brody, Jakob Dylan, Casey Affleck, Giovanni Ribisi…and probably a few others I am forgetting right now.

13.  Someday I will have to make a list of all the famous people I met and saw in LA…that is one part I miss…seeing people like Kirsten Dunst (looking like CRAP by the way) at Starbucks and not really thinking anything of it after a while.

14.  Soda is my main addiction…no coffee, no cigarettes…but soda..oohhh the bubbles, the bite, the sweetness.  Yeah it’s bad.

15.  I remember dates really well because of this weird thing my brain does with the calendar.  I have tried to explain it to people and I think it always sort of amazes them.  Someday I would love to be able to draw it out or have someone play it out like it is in my head because I travel through the year and change directions and colors and heights and things depending on what day it is, season, month, etc…it’s crazy and cool.  I love my brain.

16.  I have never been overseas and it is killing me.  For some reason I find that I prefer to spend my money on things over experiences.  That is not to say that I don’t still do a lot of experiencing life, but I would much rather spend my money on a pair of pants then a nice dinner.  I can wear the pants a ton of times, but the dinner will only last, well a few hours.  I mean if it was a dinner with amazing friends I hadn’t seen in years, of course I would do that.  But I often wonder if this is why I haven’t really traveled much…nah, I know it’s more because I am such a homebody and also haven’t had a lot of extra time and money…but I know I could make it more of a priority if I really wanted to, so I guess it is low on the list right now.  But not for much longer…it’s definitely a goal…India, Scotland, Australia, Italy, Thailand, etc.

17.  I am about to start a 21-day Detox program next week…so if any of you are wanting to lecture me on my soda or McDonald’s intake, just know that I am hoping that it will bring some more awareness to me and my eating…not that I don’t know, but I am hoping it will start to reset my taste buds and cravings a bit.  I am doing this detox with friends thank goodness because I have never been known to stay on a cleanse for more than a few days.

18.  In fact, I am just not a very disciplined person at all and it’s something I am looking to improve about myself.  I am a procrastinator (I should soooooo be reading right now), I rarely hoop or do yoga even though I love both, I eat poorly even though I know better, I spend money I shouldn’t, etc.  But I am working on these things and loving myself all the way through.

19.  I have two shelves on my bookcase full of self-help books and the like, that I really want to read, but don’t make the time…yeah. *rolls eyes at self*

20.  Even though I don’t hoop as often as I would like, it has changed my life.  I have met amazing people, found another way to make money, found a great form of exercise that I do actually enjoy, gotten back into dance (I was in ballet, tap and jazz for 13 years) and discovered a way to decompress, lift my mood, and get back into my body.  I highly recommend it…

21.  I am an only child who grew up out in the country….a total introvert.  But I find that I can be very outgoing as well.  Which reminds me that people really get the definition of introvert and extrovert wrong a lot.  Being introverted doesn’t always mean that you are shy.  It’s just more about where you get your energy from.  Introverts get their energy from within, while Extroverts get it from other people.  So even though I am introverted and need a ton of time alone, I can be quite outgoing in the right situation…although I have not always been that way…I used to be painfully shy, but it has come with practice…being an actor really forced me out of my comfort zone and got me to be more outgoing, for which I am grateful.

22.  I have lived in something like 23 places and have had 9 cars.  I get bored easily, but much less now that I am older and more wise…or maybe just know myself better.

23.  I make up words and songs and my boyfriend and I practically have our own language and sing songs to our dogs all the time.  they love it.

24.  my boyfriend and I are like Dharma and Greg…guess which one is which.   But as we have been together for 4 1/2 years, I find that we have a lot more overlapping parts of ourselves now…we have merged so much together and it is a beautiful thing…still totally individuals, but often flowing more together…he rocks.

25.  I am working on three fairly large tattoos…I always knew that if I gave up acting I would get more tats…I already have 7 right now.  Hoping to get my new big one this summer.  Much to Stan’s chagrin…like Dharma and Greg, like I told you.

I’m over it.  I am so over people saying that TV is evil or that it’s an idiot box or whatever…any of that.  It’s just so old and played out and circa 1998.  Don’t get me wrong, I think that for some people, TV can be a bad thing…but so can money, sex, fame, etc.  Often it’s the person that has the issue, not the thing.

Anyway, the reason I am talking about this is because I wrote a tweet last night about trying to decide between going to Hoop Convergence this spring or getting a Flat Screen TV.  I got all kinds of responses, mostly people telling me that TV is evil or that they would much rather prefer real life experiences over TV and what not.  Hey man, I get that and I would too, but in my tweet I explained that the possibility of me not going to HoopCon was because of school…yeah SCHOOL.  And that because I couldn’t go because of school, that I would probably use the $$ to get a Flat Screen TV instead.  Its not like I was just straight up choosing between the two and that’s it…but even if I was, so what if I chose a TV?  What’s it to you?  Yes I put it out there in a tweet, but I didn’t ask anyone’s opinion and I certainly didn’t ask for judgment about how ridiculous it is that I would choose a TV over going on a trip…

So that’s what irks me, this whole badmouthing TV thing.  I personally like TV…yep I said it.  And no, it has not rotted my brain.  I’m a student at UC Berkeley for pete’s sake!  I find that I watch some damn good shows and enjoy myself.  Isn’t that part of life?  Having a good time?  I also get out and do things too.  I don’t hole myself up and stare at the boob tube all day.  I watch great shows on The Learning Channel, Discovery Channel, shows about Psychology related stuff, and just some damn funny and moving shows!  I also use my TV to watch movies…good quality indie films that move the soul, or also stupid funny comedy’s that crack me up, or amazing documentaries that educate and make me think!  I have just heard it over and over again about how evil TV is and I think that is just ignorant.  If you don’t want to have a TV in your life, fine…I am totally down with that and I think it is awesome!  I have friends who got rid of theirs and have more time with their kids, to read, etc.  But they still end up watching shows on the internet, so it’s kind of the same.  I guess the internet is evil too then?  Or movie theaters?  What?  I just know that being someone who was in the entertainment industry for several years, I have a lot of respect for the work and art that goes into a lot of shows and movies.  Yes there are some stupid shows out there…but I don’t watch them!  You have control over your own experience.  And people that don’t…people who do sit around watching TV all day and not doing anything productive with their lives?  They have deeper issues and the TV is not the culprit.

Ok I will get off my soapbox now, I just had to address this issue.  I do want to say that I am trying my best to make it to HoopCon, but that I have finals right in the middle of it and that I would have to leave a day early and possibly even come a day late!  Which for something that is only 4 days long and would cost me $800 or so, take up two days of traveling and all during finals (which would cause me a lot of stress) it just doesn’t feel worth it to me.  School is my number one priority right now.  I wish I could do it but we all have to make choices in our life…choices that work for us!  I would never put my choice on anyone else.

Plus I am excited about possibly replacing our tiny 15-year-old TV that has purple and green spots on it with a shiny new TV that takes up less space!  Yeah, I guess I am just materialistic like that.  Sue me.

Basically I have found recently that my insecurities have gotten the best of me again.  While things are going very well in my life and I feel so grateful for so many things, I am still dealing with major feelings of inadequacy, envy and uncertainty.  I know I am not alone in this, but it’s hard not to feel alone when you are going through it.  Especially being around the amazing people I am around these days.  That is part of the reason I feel this way.

It’s so odd because I am so thankful to have all these new spectacular friends in my life, particularly the incredible women who have entered my world recently, but at the same time, being around them is so challenging for me.  I am just so insecure and feel like I am not good enough sometimes.  Especially when I am around the hooping women in my life…they are all so talented and I feel so chubby and uncoordinated around them.  I feel blessed to have made it into the HoopGirl Allstars, but it is really bringing up so major emotions/issues for me.  Especially body/self image and worthiness stuff.  I would have thought that I would feel even more beautiful and amazing being an Allstar, but I am starting to feel like I did in LA…being around women with incredible looks/bodies/talents and never feeling like I truly fit in.  Yes I know I am a good hooper and that I have already lost 17 pounds in the last few months…so I should feel great, right?  I do on most days…at least until I am around all the other amazing girls and then I feel so blech.  I am trying to work through this, but it is so difficult.  There have also been little things that happen that just put me over the edge right when I think I’m going to be ok…little attacks to my self-esteem…mostly ones that I am probably making up in my head, but they are there for me nonetheless.

I know the Universe is just testing me right now and that I will be all the stronger if I can remain confident through it all.  So I will stick it out and breathe and remind myself that I am good enough, smart enough and gosh-darnit, people like me.  And that somehow having to wear booty shorts and metallic spandex is good for my soul in the long run.

Then there is also the issue of how busy I am…and the envy I have for others who seem to have lots of free time, or at least just less to do.  I know I could choose to do less, but I don’t really feel as if I have that option.  I need to be going to school because I need to find a good career path that can support and fulfill me and I am so grateful to have such a passion for Psychology.  I also need to work and am so blessed to have found a few flexible part-time jobs…but that is a challenge in it’s own right…having a lot of little jobs can often be more stressful than just having one.  I find that I am constantly juggling.  I also am choosing to have my own business because in dating an entrepreneur, it’s practically a rule…it just happens…plus there is a demand in the hooping world that I am getting ready to fulfill in the next few months and it’s exciting…but a lot of work.  I also need to be continuing research in the lab at school and looking for other lab positions because it is good for Grad School which I will be applying to in less than a year.  Each of these things alone are a lot of work…but all of these things together equal finding a balance that I struggle with.

And yes, I am sometimes envious of my friends who are just going to school or just working one job or make just hooping/dance their life…I know envy is not a good thing to have, but it’s definitely a feeling I know all too well.  But I also know that I thrive on being busy and struggle less with depression when I am.  So for me, this is good…if I can make sure to have the balance and really work hard/play hard, all will be ok.  I want to make time to travel and have fun.  I also know that a lot of this is the means to an end.  Hopefully someday I will not be quite this busy, or at least maybe I will be busy in a different way.

There is also this insecurity of being around people who just seem to have it so together…like they meditate every day, go to yoga/dance classes daily, hoop every day, eat soooo well, have such conscious languaging, positive thoughts, etc. etc…I could go on and on…I find these people inspiring, but then I also find that I can start to feel so unevolved at times.  I mean, I finally got my altar area set up in my house and have the intention of meditating daily, but it just doesn’t happen.  I have the printout of my gym’s yoga/dance schedule and yet I never seem to go.  I finally got my hooping area set up yet I don’t hoop as often as I probably should…thank goodness for teaching and rehearsals which forces me to do it!  I know so much about nutrition, yet I still often eat like crap and unconsciously.  My higher self would be a vegan if she had her way, but I find that I am not ready for that diet again, even though I know how amazing it can be for the body, planet, etc.  I know about the Law of Attraction and positive thoughts and find that I am pretty good about it, but definitely need improvement in that department as well.

I am just trying to keep evolving and like to be around inspiring people…I guess until I just feel so far away from so many goals.  But I don’t even know if they are my goals, their goals, or society’s goals?  I guess sometimes I feel unsure of what my true goals are.  Even though I think of myself as this person who follows her gut and dreams, etc….I still find that I live for other people in some ways.  It’s sort of what I am dealing with right now in the Grad School area of my life…figuring out if I am wanting to just do a Masters or get my PhD…knowing that yes, having a PhD could be really good, but feeling like I do not want to go through with that for so many reasons.  I just have to follow my gut, sometimes against the advice of others…which has always worked out for me, NO REGRETS!

although I may regret writing this insecure, whiny post!  While it probably didn’t make much sense, I feel better getting all of these emotions/thoughts out of my head…and I am trying not to be insecure about it!

I of course just remembered a reason that I am sure I am a little out of whack…we have a house guest right now…and he’s staying for a period of time that we are not sure of yet.  This is nothing against him, as he may be reading this…it’s more about me.  He is a fine house guest and we are glad to be able to help out…I am just not that good with having other energies around for long periods of time.  I am an introverted only child that grew up out in the country and needs a lot of alone time.  I find that I get unbalanced when others are around…but I am getting better.  We lived with my boyfriend’s family for a while when we were transitioning from LA to here last year and that was a good challenge.  I am finding that I am feeling less anxiety than normal in this current situation too…so that’s something right?  I am evolving!  yay!

ok enough of this blathering…I feel better, thanks.

I would like to thank 2008 for bringing so much amazing stuff into my life.  Overall, it has been a great year for me.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been tough times, but I also look at that stuff as being good in the long run.  I mean, I am the girl who has “no regrets” tattooed in kangi on my wrist, believes everything happens for a reason and make a lemons out of lemonade.  Some things I am super grateful for in this last year:

• leaving Los Angeles and everything that goes along with it
• being able to let go of my acting dream to pursue things better suited for me and my future
• getting into UC Berkeley for Psychology
• moving to the Bay Area where the energy is so vibrant and exciting
• making hooping a real part of my life and meeting such amazing people through it
• becoming a part of the HoopGirl world and being inspired by those women daily
• losing weight and feeling better because of hooping
• winning our court case against our landlord, proving that the good guys can win
• being supported by my commercial, allowing me to feel more secure
• Obama
• having an incredible boyfriend through thick and thin
• having an amazing family who rock my world, especially my incredible mother

I really feel as though 2008 was all about moving on and letting go of old dreams, only to allow room for more fulfilling ones.  I have been planting seeds and some of them are already starting to bloom, but I can tell that those seeds will really be rockin’ this year.

Now on to 2009…here are some things I am wanting to manifest:

• more clarity on my educational path about grad school, career options, etc.
• more hooping, yoga, dance to continue down this path of  health and feeling more comfy in my own skin
• blogging/journaling more if it continues to help me grow and connect
• making hooping a bigger income stream…performance, products, etc.
• successful grad school applications in the fall
• more efficient study habits in my classes, continuing to rock the good grades
• my commercial to continue bringing in money and to be renegotiated again in Sept.
• making internet time more efficient with more time for reading delicious books
• less TV time, focusing more on the shows that just float my boat
• getting my website and products established
• eating in a way that is more green and good for the body and soul
• making even more of an impact with the environment, gay rights, animal rights, etc.
• more quality time with my sweet boyfriend and continuing to work on our issues
• being less codependent with my mom and allowing our relationship to continue to blossom
• taking my dogs on adventures more often and playing with my sweet kitties more
• not sweating the small stuff as much and finding more calm, balance and center
• studying and using the the Law of Attraction even more, because it obviously works

Ok I know there are more things, but basically the whole New Year’s Resolution thing is weird for me anyway.  I am more one to reevaluate my goals and intentions on a daily, weekly, monthly basis and find that I am continuing to grow, seek, learn, and evolve all the time.  But it was nice to have an excuse to write these things down…I feel more focused now, and a little overwhelmed…haha.  But I would be bored otherwise, so here goes…

For some unknown reason (actually I can think of so many) I have decided to start a new blog…kind of for the new year.  You know, to be really original and keep things interesting.  The interesting part about this blog is that I will probably write in it for a while and then ignore it for like 4 months and then write furiously in it for a week, stay up all night redesigning it, and then ignore it until the next new year…cuz that’s how I roll.  Why am I doing this to myself then?  I have no idea and being the Pysch major, I really want to analyze it, but I am just not going there…for now.

You will notice that I write colloquially, which is a nice way of saying that I write like I talk…which is not that great.  I would apologize for that, but to be honest, I don’t really care.  You may have noticed that I overuse commas and ellipses…and again, I don’t care.  I was raised in a family of English Majors who are probably reading this and cringing, but I know they love me anyway.  I actually am pretty good with grammar and all that stuff, but when I am writing, I am just too lazy to bother with it all…unless it’s a paper I am writing for a class at UC Berkeley, which is where I am currently storing all my money…hopefully in exchange for some sort of Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology in 2010.

Anyhow, this blog will be more of a personal journal than my first blog, www.TheEverywhereGirl.com, because I feel as I can actually be more of myself here, than I can there.  Plus I have sort of abandoned that one anyway, and plan on updating it only every so often.  Story of my life…  So as one of my new expressions states, this should be interesting…