As some of you may know, Stan (my man) and I have been going through some rough times recently.  Fortunately, it looks like we have made it through fairly unscathed.  That’s not to say that everything is perfect and that we don’t have some work to do, but who doesn’t, right?

The situation is this:  We have been together for almost 5 years and have been living together for 4 years.  In March, Stan got an AWESOME job in Florida that we thought would only last a few weeks, so he went there thinking he could fanagle it into something he could maybe do from here after a bit.  Well a few weeks has turned into a few months and as of right now, it looks like he will be there until January or so.  But it is so worth it as he is getting paid an excellent salary and it is opening the doors for so many more opportunities for him.  I am so proud of him and would never want him to sacrifice something so incredible just for me.  But the distance is hard.  We had some underlying issues and him being away sort of put them under a magnifying glass, which led to some major turmoil for a while there.  But through honestly and communication with each other, we have really worked through some of these issues and made the commitment to stay together and keep on working!  We just have so much love and respect for each other and still enjoy each other’s company so immensely…and at the end of the day, we are happier together than we are apart.

This whole thing has really developed into some major personal growth for both of us as well and I am so grateful to be partnered with someone so willing to look at his own sh*t and wanting to be a better person.  I am also seeing relationships in a whole new light and it has been interesting observing so many of my friends going through relationship turmoil and seeing how different they all are and the process each of them is going through.  It is making me realize more and more that I really do belong in the Counseling Psychology realm and that getting my MFT will be perfect for me.  I actually think I would be interested in doing couple’s counseling as well, something I had never really considered.

Anyway, I got to see Stan last weekend and it was wonderful, but hard when he left.  We are going to really try to see each other as often as we can during this time.  But we also appreciate the fact that this is a time for us to really work on ourselves more on an individual basis and to get some of our many projects done.  We both have so many incredible opportunities in front of us right now and are so busy with tons of amazing things, so I know that our time apart will go by quickly.

I would just like to thank the Universe for allowing us to have a second chance and letting us see the light before it was too late!  I truly think a lot of people either bail on relationships too soon or wait too long before truly dealing with the issues.  Relationships are mirrors to our own soul and really reflect who we are and the issues we have…maybe if we saw them more that way, and used them more to grow personally, I think people might be a lot happier in the long run.

I also have to give my wonderful Clarity Breathworker, Maggie,  some credit.  She has really been helping me through this time and clarifying so much for me.  She is the best therapist I have ever had, and I hope to be able to help people as much as she has been helping me!

Ugh.  Seriously.  Ugh.  It’s been an odd past couple of days.  I am in a funk and can’t get out.  I need the LifeCall system in those old “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercials.  But it would be a button that would call up good friends, my mom, healthy food, a walk, and a great movie…all to bring me out of my depression.

It’s weird how this funk got started, but I am realizing more and more that it makes perfect sense and that it’s ok.  At least that’s what I am trying to tell myself.  It started with what was going to be an awesome evening on Friday night.  My friends Annie and Jenny and I were on our way to the Flow Show to see many of our hoop friends perform.   It was a free show in a small venue, so we ended up not being able to get in.  We missed it by only a few people, but it just wasn’t going to happen.  We were devastated, to say the least.  I personally had been looking forward to this for months.  So we decided that we would wait around until the show was done to be able to hang out with everyone afterwards.

Cut to: us waiting in the only place near the venue…a bar.  A bar with no food.  We each had a couple of glasses of wine and were feeling pretty good.  Then the show was over, we talked to everyone a bit and found out that people were meeting up at this other place soon.  So, off we went to this place which ended up being a club.  I had thought maybe we were going out to dinner or something.  But I just wanted to see everyone, so we went in.  We bought more drinks, we danced, and I still hadn’t eaten.  Most of the people we had wanted to see never ended up showing up, but we had paid to get in, so we stayed.  Pretty soon, I was drunk.  Drunker than I had been in a long while.  You see, I don’t drink that much anymore and when I do, I don’t drink a lot.  I just don’t enjoy the effects that much anymore and the after-effects are definitely not worth it.  But every once in a while, I get caught off guard and end up drinking a bit…this was one of those evenings.  I mean, we had fun, but I was sick by the end of the night and that part was not fun and I felt bad for my girlfriend having to deal with it.  But she was an awesome friend and was totally there for me!

But Saturday was not so fun.  I wasn’t sick, but I just did not feel right.  I couldn’t do anything, eat anything and just felt straight-up depressed.  I am no stranger to depression as many of you know, but luckily I don’t experience it as often as I used to.  But this hangover just made me lazy and sad.  I have a ton to do and have not done much of anything.  So it got me thinking about how alcohol affects your system.  I have studied these kinds of things in a few of my Psych classes and found an article that explains it well:

“The depression caused by alcohol actually starts with your physical body. First, alcohol lowers the serotonin and norepinephrine levels in your brain. These chemicals are the chemicals that give you your good feelings – a feeling of well being, and they help you to feel normal.

Alcohol also temporarily nullifies the effects of stress hormones. This is why after drinking you feel worse than ever, because alcohol depresses your nervous system and your brain. A study was done that followed people who were only drinking one drink a day and after these people stopped drinking for 3 months, their depression scores improved. And that is only at one drink a day, so it is easy to imagine the impact the kind of volume an alcoholic takes in every day can have.

Alcohol all but wipes out every vitamin in your system after a drinking session. A folic acid deficiency will contribute the brain aging and in older people, dementia. The folic acid deficiency also contributes to overall depression. Further, the alcohol in your system also breaks down and speeds the elimination of antioxidants in your blood. Antioxidants are critically important to our health because antioxidants fight free radicals and free radical damage causes diseases and aging. Our immune system actually creates the antioxidants which then neutralize the free radicals.”

No wonder I feel down in the dumps.  It also doesn’t help that my boyfriend is out of town indefinitely and I miss him like crazy.  I also am coming to the end of a really hard semester at Berkeley and am nervous about my final projects and finals and my grades.  I am also struggling with a few other things…so yeah, it’s been a bit of a rough time, and probably not a time to be drinking a ton.  But isn’t that what a lot of people do when they are depressed?  And it actually makes the whole problem worse.  *sigh*

But I can say that reminding myself of the effects of alcohol on the body made me feel a bit better about feeling so sad.  As did writing about it…so thanks for reading.  I am now going to attempt to get over it all and write the few papers I need to write today.

I am not sure where I am going to go with this post or even if I am going to actually publish it, but I am at least writing because it feels like the right thing to do right now.  I am emotional right now, sort of on edge and I am not completely sure why.  I have ideas, little things…probably all adding up to the way I am feeling tonight.

Basically I have found recently that my insecurities have gotten the best of me again.  While things are going very well in my life and I feel so grateful for so many things, I am still dealing with major feelings of inadequacy, envy and uncertainty.  I know I am not alone in this, but it’s hard not to feel alone when you are going through it.  Especially being around the amazing people I am around these days.  That is part of the reason I feel this way.

It’s so odd because I am so thankful to have all these new spectacular friends in my life, particularly the incredible women who have entered my world recently, but at the same time, being around them is so challenging for me.  I am just so insecure and feel like I am not good enough sometimes.  Especially when I am around the hooping women in my life…they are all so talented and I feel so chubby and uncoordinated around them.  I feel blessed to have made it into the HoopGirl Allstars, but it is really bringing up so major emotions/issues for me.  Especially body/self image and worthiness stuff.  I would have thought that I would feel even more beautiful and amazing being an Allstar, but I am starting to feel like I did in LA…being around women with incredible looks/bodies/talents and never feeling like I truly fit in.  Yes I know I am a good hooper and that I have already lost 17 pounds in the last few months…so I should feel great, right?  I do on most days…at least until I am around all the other amazing girls and then I feel so blech.  I am trying to work through this, but it is so difficult.  There have also been little things that happen that just put me over the edge right when I think I’m going to be ok…little attacks to my self-esteem…mostly ones that I am probably making up in my head, but they are there for me nonetheless.

I know the Universe is just testing me right now and that I will be all the stronger if I can remain confident through it all.  So I will stick it out and breathe and remind myself that I am good enough, smart enough and gosh-darnit, people like me.  And that somehow having to wear booty shorts and metallic spandex is good for my soul in the long run.

Then there is also the issue of how busy I am…and the envy I have for others who seem to have lots of free time, or at least just less to do.  I know I could choose to do less, but I don’t really feel as if I have that option.  I need to be going to school because I need to find a good career path that can support and fulfill me and I am so grateful to have such a passion for Psychology.  I also need to work and am so blessed to have found a few flexible part-time jobs…but that is a challenge in it’s own right…having a lot of little jobs can often be more stressful than just having one.  I find that I am constantly juggling.  I also am choosing to have my own business because in dating an entrepreneur, it’s practically a rule…it just happens…plus there is a demand in the hooping world that I am getting ready to fulfill in the next few months and it’s exciting…but a lot of work.  I also need to be continuing research in the lab at school and looking for other lab positions because it is good for Grad School which I will be applying to in less than a year.  Each of these things alone are a lot of work…but all of these things together equal finding a balance that I struggle with.

And yes, I am sometimes envious of my friends who are just going to school or just working one job or make just hooping/dance their life…I know envy is not a good thing to have, but it’s definitely a feeling I know all too well.  But I also know that I thrive on being busy and struggle less with depression when I am.  So for me, this is good…if I can make sure to have the balance and really work hard/play hard, all will be ok.  I want to make time to travel and have fun.  I also know that a lot of this is the means to an end.  Hopefully someday I will not be quite this busy, or at least maybe I will be busy in a different way.

There is also this insecurity of being around people who just seem to have it so together…like they meditate every day, go to yoga/dance classes daily, hoop every day, eat soooo well, have such conscious languaging, positive thoughts, etc. etc…I could go on and on…I find these people inspiring, but then I also find that I can start to feel so unevolved at times.  I mean, I finally got my altar area set up in my house and have the intention of meditating daily, but it just doesn’t happen.  I have the printout of my gym’s yoga/dance schedule and yet I never seem to go.  I finally got my hooping area set up yet I don’t hoop as often as I probably should…thank goodness for teaching and rehearsals which forces me to do it!  I know so much about nutrition, yet I still often eat like crap and unconsciously.  My higher self would be a vegan if she had her way, but I find that I am not ready for that diet again, even though I know how amazing it can be for the body, planet, etc.  I know about the Law of Attraction and positive thoughts and find that I am pretty good about it, but definitely need improvement in that department as well.

I am just trying to keep evolving and like to be around inspiring people…I guess until I just feel so far away from so many goals.  But I don’t even know if they are my goals, their goals, or society’s goals?  I guess sometimes I feel unsure of what my true goals are.  Even though I think of myself as this person who follows her gut and dreams, etc….I still find that I live for other people in some ways.  It’s sort of what I am dealing with right now in the Grad School area of my life…figuring out if I am wanting to just do a Masters or get my PhD…knowing that yes, having a PhD could be really good, but feeling like I do not want to go through with that for so many reasons.  I just have to follow my gut, sometimes against the advice of others…which has always worked out for me, NO REGRETS!

although I may regret writing this insecure, whiny post!  While it probably didn’t make much sense, I feel better getting all of these emotions/thoughts out of my head…and I am trying not to be insecure about it!

I of course just remembered a reason that I am sure I am a little out of whack…we have a house guest right now…and he’s staying for a period of time that we are not sure of yet.  This is nothing against him, as he may be reading this…it’s more about me.  He is a fine house guest and we are glad to be able to help out…I am just not that good with having other energies around for long periods of time.  I am an introverted only child that grew up out in the country and needs a lot of alone time.  I find that I get unbalanced when others are around…but I am getting better.  We lived with my boyfriend’s family for a while when we were transitioning from LA to here last year and that was a good challenge.  I am finding that I am feeling less anxiety than normal in this current situation too…so that’s something right?  I am evolving!  yay!

ok enough of this blathering…I feel better, thanks.

I would like to thank 2008 for bringing so much amazing stuff into my life.  Overall, it has been a great year for me.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been tough times, but I also look at that stuff as being good in the long run.  I mean, I am the girl who has “no regrets” tattooed in kangi on my wrist, believes everything happens for a reason and make a lemons out of lemonade.  Some things I am super grateful for in this last year:

• leaving Los Angeles and everything that goes along with it
• being able to let go of my acting dream to pursue things better suited for me and my future
• getting into UC Berkeley for Psychology
• moving to the Bay Area where the energy is so vibrant and exciting
• making hooping a real part of my life and meeting such amazing people through it
• becoming a part of the HoopGirl world and being inspired by those women daily
• losing weight and feeling better because of hooping
• winning our court case against our landlord, proving that the good guys can win
• being supported by my commercial, allowing me to feel more secure
• Obama
• having an incredible boyfriend through thick and thin
• having an amazing family who rock my world, especially my incredible mother

I really feel as though 2008 was all about moving on and letting go of old dreams, only to allow room for more fulfilling ones.  I have been planting seeds and some of them are already starting to bloom, but I can tell that those seeds will really be rockin’ this year.

Now on to 2009…here are some things I am wanting to manifest:

• more clarity on my educational path about grad school, career options, etc.
• more hooping, yoga, dance to continue down this path of  health and feeling more comfy in my own skin
• blogging/journaling more if it continues to help me grow and connect
• making hooping a bigger income stream…performance, products, etc.
• successful grad school applications in the fall
• more efficient study habits in my classes, continuing to rock the good grades
• my commercial to continue bringing in money and to be renegotiated again in Sept.
• making internet time more efficient with more time for reading delicious books
• less TV time, focusing more on the shows that just float my boat
• getting my website and products established
• eating in a way that is more green and good for the body and soul
• making even more of an impact with the environment, gay rights, animal rights, etc.
• more quality time with my sweet boyfriend and continuing to work on our issues
• being less codependent with my mom and allowing our relationship to continue to blossom
• taking my dogs on adventures more often and playing with my sweet kitties more
• not sweating the small stuff as much and finding more calm, balance and center
• studying and using the the Law of Attraction even more, because it obviously works

Ok I know there are more things, but basically the whole New Year’s Resolution thing is weird for me anyway.  I am more one to reevaluate my goals and intentions on a daily, weekly, monthly basis and find that I am continuing to grow, seek, learn, and evolve all the time.  But it was nice to have an excuse to write these things down…I feel more focused now, and a little overwhelmed…haha.  But I would be bored otherwise, so here goes…

For some unknown reason (actually I can think of so many) I have decided to start a new blog…kind of for the new year.  You know, to be really original and keep things interesting.  The interesting part about this blog is that I will probably write in it for a while and then ignore it for like 4 months and then write furiously in it for a week, stay up all night redesigning it, and then ignore it until the next new year…cuz that’s how I roll.  Why am I doing this to myself then?  I have no idea and being the Pysch major, I really want to analyze it, but I am just not going there…for now.

You will notice that I write colloquially, which is a nice way of saying that I write like I talk…which is not that great.  I would apologize for that, but to be honest, I don’t really care.  You may have noticed that I overuse commas and ellipses…and again, I don’t care.  I was raised in a family of English Majors who are probably reading this and cringing, but I know they love me anyway.  I actually am pretty good with grammar and all that stuff, but when I am writing, I am just too lazy to bother with it all…unless it’s a paper I am writing for a class at UC Berkeley, which is where I am currently storing all my money…hopefully in exchange for some sort of Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology in 2010.

Anyhow, this blog will be more of a personal journal than my first blog, www.TheEverywhereGirl.com, because I feel as I can actually be more of myself here, than I can there.  Plus I have sort of abandoned that one anyway, and plan on updating it only every so often.  Story of my life…  So as one of my new expressions states, this should be interesting…