Okay another thing I feel I need to process through by writing…I want a creative outlet.  I feel that I don’t really have one right now, and I think it is one of several things that is keeping me from feeling fulfilled at this point in my life.

I consider myself to be a creative person…sort of.  I do not think I am creative in a way that I would like to be.  If I had my way, I would want one of my gifts to be painting, or songwriting and singing, etc.  The two big creative outlets I have ever had in my life are dancing and acting.  I was a dancer growing up and considered going professional, but chose not to for many reasons.  (I also don’t think I was good enough, anyway).  So instead, I set my sights on acting.  I made the big move to L.A., seriously pursued a career for almost 6 years and then let it go for many reasons.  I’m glad I went for it.  It sometimes is still hard for me to watch a movie or a TV show and have that “if only” feeling.  But I have chosen not to pursue that life anymore, and overall I am really happy with my choice.  It is a hard life to live and it was really conflicting with who I really want to be.

So I guess I sometimes wish I could be a musician or a painter, or some other tangible artist that produces things people can enjoy…where I can be my quirky self and it doesn’t matter what I look like.  I can’t do that with acting, and my body just isn’t in a space to be a professional dancer.

I have so many creative artsy friends and it kills me.  They are all so incredibly talented.  I have major creativity envy…I know that seems so wrong, but I just do.

I have tried it all…drawing, painting, photography, ceramics, crocheting, sewing, guitar, web design,  etc.  To no avail.  I also have a bad habit of not liking not being good at something…so I don’t spend a very long time working at something because I either get bored or frustrated or too busy.

I guess I have this idea in my head that if I find the “right” thing, I will be naturally good at it and it will be so fun because I have such a passion for it.  I will be in flow. Another one of my problems is that I compare myself too much to others.  I get involved in some creative endeavor and find others who are doing it too and they seem to enjoy it more than me and be way better at it than me and then I am just over it.

This happened most recently with hooping.  The passion for it just went away after being around soooo many hoopers who were shedding their blood, sweat and tears to make it their life’s work.  I didn’t want to do that and just didn’t enjoy it as much anymore.  But hooping did bring me back to dancing and that has been wonderful.  I do dance for fun these days…mostly just for me.  For exercise, meditation, realease, etc.  I don’t like to take classes (I grew up doing that for way too long), I just want to moooove to amazing music when I feel the urge.

I have been getting really bummed out lately by the idea of sewing.  I sewed a super cute outfit when I was like 12 and it won the 4-H Blue Ribbon at the Washington County Fair.  So yeah, I have been able to sew in my life.  Several years ago my mom got me a sewing machine for my birthday.  I was stoked!  I had all these plans to make all these amazing clothes…but I never did.  I made some scarves that were fun and attempted hats…not well.  That was about it. The sewing machine moved with me from place to place and just haunted me while it collected dust.  I would look at it and feel this desire to create stuff, but then be depressed by my lack of ability.  I get very frustrated doing detail work.  I am a little bit of a perfectionist, so that kind of thing drives me nuts because I will never get it right, it seems.  I finally gave my sewing machine away a couple of years ago.  It was relieving, but at the same time sad.  I still have such an urge to make clothes…I have all kinds of designs in my head that I think would be really cool, but executing them seems insane.  I have a few clothing designer friends that have their clothing lines made for them, but that is a huge undertaking as well…but I’ve considered it.  I also have all these friends who dabble in sewing, often for Burning Man costumes…and they turn out great.  So I get discouraged yet again (especially after I tried to alter a coat a few years ago for B-Man and I just wanted to pull my hair out the whole time, it turned out so badly).  I know I could just take a sewing class and start learning the basics again, but I just haven’t taken the time.

Similar story with painting and guitar.  I took a painting class years ago and really enjoyed it.  I painted a few things after, some horrible, others okay.  But finally I got sick of owning an easel and all these canvases and paints.  They were just cluttering my life (along with my sewing machine) and just haunting me every time I looked at them.  I was never going to be some amazing painter, so why even bother?  And the guitar…well my dad gave my his many years ago because he never played it and I expressed an interest in it.  I started playing a little but never took lessons and got discouraged because I don’t really have a natural musical ear.  I also love to sing, but I don’t think I sing that well.  Nor do I write well.  So again, it sat around, collecting dust and making me feel guilty…especially after my dad died.  Last year, I finally let go of it and sold it.  That was hard on many levels.

But here I am, wishing I still had a guitar and a sewing machine and an easel.  Or just wishing I could make amazing jewelry, or websites, or ANYTHING.  I wish I could produce something unique.

My therapist and I have talked about this a bit and she reminds me that it’s not even about producing anything good.  It’s just about creating…whatever comes out.  I guess I don’t even know where to start with that. I don’t want to buy a whole bunch of supplies for something that isn’t going to get me anywhere.

Ugh, I feel like I am talking in circles at this point.  I just have a lot of energy about this topic.  I want to realize my gifts and use them in a fulfilling way.  I think I have gifts that will make me a good therapist, so at least I am on that path.  But I also really need a creative outlet…and soon.

Do any of you have thoughts on the subject of creativity?

I just got back from Ecstatic Dance and am feeling so utterly fabulous right now…which is particularly incredible since I was sooooo not feeling that way at all today.  I was really having an emotional day so I decided to go and dance it off.  I got a monthly pass for ED recently and it was a smart move on my part, because it is making me go when I don’t think I normally would.  Every time I go, there is at least one song that just gets me going crazy….tonight there were about five!  The DJ was right up my alley, mixing a ton of hip-hop with East Indian tracks and many more inspired mixes.

I’ve also really been enjoying exploring movement again in such a free-form environment.  While I love hooping and taking specific dance classes, I just also love moving my body with however feels right at the moment and to music that is unexpected and new to me.  I find that I start playing around with different ways to move different parts of my body or how fast/slow I move to the music.  It helps if I am getting “bored” with one of the songs to all of a sudden focus on a certain body part and lead my whole dance with that.  Or to change up my whole style of dancing to that music in general.  Maybe move faster than I normally would, or slower.  Tonight I found myself moving through some really jumping songs like I was in water and keeping it really flowy and then running around and leaping and changing levels through the slower tunes.  It is so good for the nervous system to be changing it up like that and I could feel it expanding my body, mind and spirit.  I also noticed tonight that I have a tendency to turn to my left a lot.  I didn’t used to turn when I free-form danced very much until I started hooping…now hooping has changed my dancing to where I love to spin and spin even when dancing without the hoop.  But I hoop to the left mostly so I realized that I pretty much was only turning to the left when free form dancing.  So I mixed it up tonight and spun a ton to the right throughout the evening and I could feel my spine unwinding and my brain being activated on how to curve my body differently.  I could feel my hips and low back opening up too.  It was a freeing feeling not being stuck in my ruts of movement.

I am grateful to have found such a wonderful space to go to twice a week…it has brought back my love of dance and taken it to a whole new level!