uncertainty

3 Comments » // November 22nd, 2011

Wow, I haven’t posted in a year.  What a year…

Well, I am in a weird space these days.  I am not gonna lie, things have been a little rough lately. While I always have a baseline level of gratitude and have so much to be thankful for, I also have some stuff in my life right now that just plain sucks.

I’m almost 36 years old and I’m still single. I have been dating off and on, but just cannot seem to find the right person. I was recently dating someone who I thought was really going to work out and be great and he just didn’t.  It really frustrates me because I had actually attracted someone who seemed so available (I have had a tendency of going after unavailable men for a while now) and was really proud of myself for working through my issues around being with an available man, and then BAM, he became unavailable.  Arrrggghhhh!  It’s like he was a shape-shifter and just appeared to be available.  I was tricked!  I’m trying to remind myself that I actually overcame something huge and learned a lot from this situation, but it is hard to be positive when all I feel is sadness, anger and disappointment.  I often wonder when I will finally find that person that will be my partner in crime.  I am no Spring Chicken and it’s starting to get frustrating.  I do want marriage and kids, so the clock is ticking.  Plus most of my friends are married or in relationships and it’s hard to feel connected to those people.  I’m starting to feel like Bridget Jones, but even she found someone by her early thirties.

Then there’s the school/practicum situation…I don’t even know how to begin to explain that.  Let’s just say that it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with (besides my father’s death).  It is frustrating beyond words.  And if I don’t find a practicum site soon, my graduation will be postponed for who knows how long, which means my licensing is postponed, therefore my career is postponed, therefore my livelihood, etc.  So yeah, that’s pretty scary.

I of course, have so much to be grateful for.  I have an amazing family, a great place to live, I love being back in Portland, I love my animals (even when they’re annoying), and I have great friends (when I get to see them).  I also love The Bar Method and am grateful for what it has brought into my life.  I also have my health and after having a health scare a couple of months ago, I am really grateful for that.

I’m trying so hard to see the positive through all this pain, doubt, uncertainty, etc.  But sometimes I just have to give into it and know that feeling THROUGH it is the only way out.  But I need a little help from The Universe…just a little sign that I’m on the right path and that it will all work out soon.