shiny new wings

5 Comments » // November 22nd, 2010

I have been thinking a lot today about where I was just a year ago in my life. This past year has definitely been a rough one, but a beautiful one as well. It has been a time for me to be in my cocoon of healing and rediscovering myself and I am now re-emerging.

They say (they being scientists, I guess) that once a caterpillar goes into its cocoon, it literally liquifies down to the molecular level to be able to transform into a butterfly. Then when it is ready, it has to break out of its cocoon. The process by which it breaks out is what develops its wing strength in order for it to be able to then fly. If someone were to let the butterfly out too early, it would not be ready.

I think about this phenomenon a lot. It is obviously a great spiritual metaphor. it definitely has been a good one for me over the past year. One year ago, I was in the midst of ending my 5-year relationship, moving out of the apartment I shared with him, dealing with a traumatic haircut (sounds ridiculous, but it was horrible for me at the time), starting a new job, dealing with having gained weight yet again, trying to wrap up my final year at Cal, applying to grad school, etc. I was depressed. It was really hard. All of it. I wasn’t very happy in the Bay Area, didn’t have friends that I really wanted to hang out with and just felt very lost. Hooping wasn’t even doing it for me anymore.

But I kept on truckin’ through it, knowing deep down that it was just a cocooning time for me. Time to just heal and reflect and make it through my everyday existence. And I practiced a lot of gratitude…because I still had so much to be grateful for…I always do.

And NOW…wow. One year later and I am a different person. Still the same silly Jen, but with shiny new butterfly wings. I have emerged from my cocoon and am spreading my wings. People tried to bust me out early, but I waited. I knew I needed to wait. I needed my strength. And boy was it worth it.

I have lost 15 pounds and am losing more every month. I look forward to my active lifestyle now. I need it. I’m even finding myself in the hoop again. My hair is growing out and I feel like myself again. I have embraced myself in so many ways…rockin’ my tattoos, the way I operate in the world, my passions, my strengths, my weaknesses, etc. Just me. I am in grad school and my program is incredible. It is going to change me for the better…it actually already has.

I am also finally moving back to Portland and I am stoked. While it is hard to leave the Bay Area after meeting so many great people over the past few months, I know this is my path. I am someone who follows her gut, as crazy as it seems sometimes, and my gut is telling me to move back to Portland. So I am going with it. I am also starting my coaching business. It’s pretty much one of the scariest things I have ever done, but it feels so right. I’m on my edge and I’m loving what it is creating in me.

I am also functioning on an emotional, mental and spiritual level like never before. There is so much changing in the way I relate to others, communicate, think about myself, etc. It is so beautiful. And challenging. But I totally get bored without a good challenge, so…

So yeah…life is good. Life is beautiful. I am grateful for all of it. Even the vulnerable moments, the moments that shake me to my core. They are still there of course. But I embrace them all. I know they lead to the epic moments of joy and connection that I thrive on. Which reminds me…check out my recent inspiration: