creativity envy

10 Comments » // August 28th, 2010

Okay another thing I feel I need to process through by writing…I want a creative outlet.  I feel that I don’t really have one right now, and I think it is one of several things that is keeping me from feeling fulfilled at this point in my life.

I consider myself to be a creative person…sort of.  I do not think I am creative in a way that I would like to be.  If I had my way, I would want one of my gifts to be painting, or songwriting and singing, etc.  The two big creative outlets I have ever had in my life are dancing and acting.  I was a dancer growing up and considered going professional, but chose not to for many reasons.  (I also don’t think I was good enough, anyway).  So instead, I set my sights on acting.  I made the big move to L.A., seriously pursued a career for almost 6 years and then let it go for many reasons.  I’m glad I went for it.  It sometimes is still hard for me to watch a movie or a TV show and have that “if only” feeling.  But I have chosen not to pursue that life anymore, and overall I am really happy with my choice.  It is a hard life to live and it was really conflicting with who I really want to be.

So I guess I sometimes wish I could be a musician or a painter, or some other tangible artist that produces things people can enjoy…where I can be my quirky self and it doesn’t matter what I look like.  I can’t do that with acting, and my body just isn’t in a space to be a professional dancer.

I have so many creative artsy friends and it kills me.  They are all so incredibly talented.  I have major creativity envy…I know that seems so wrong, but I just do.

I have tried it all…drawing, painting, photography, ceramics, crocheting, sewing, guitar, web design,  etc.  To no avail.  I also have a bad habit of not liking not being good at something…so I don’t spend a very long time working at something because I either get bored or frustrated or too busy.

I guess I have this idea in my head that if I find the “right” thing, I will be naturally good at it and it will be so fun because I have such a passion for it.  I will be in flow. Another one of my problems is that I compare myself too much to others.  I get involved in some creative endeavor and find others who are doing it too and they seem to enjoy it more than me and be way better at it than me and then I am just over it.

This happened most recently with hooping.  The passion for it just went away after being around soooo many hoopers who were shedding their blood, sweat and tears to make it their life’s work.  I didn’t want to do that and just didn’t enjoy it as much anymore.  But hooping did bring me back to dancing and that has been wonderful.  I do dance for fun these days…mostly just for me.  For exercise, meditation, realease, etc.  I don’t like to take classes (I grew up doing that for way too long), I just want to moooove to amazing music when I feel the urge.

I have been getting really bummed out lately by the idea of sewing.  I sewed a super cute outfit when I was like 12 and it won the 4-H Blue Ribbon at the Washington County Fair.  So yeah, I have been able to sew in my life.  Several years ago my mom got me a sewing machine for my birthday.  I was stoked!  I had all these plans to make all these amazing clothes…but I never did.  I made some scarves that were fun and attempted hats…not well.  That was about it. The sewing machine moved with me from place to place and just haunted me while it collected dust.  I would look at it and feel this desire to create stuff, but then be depressed by my lack of ability.  I get very frustrated doing detail work.  I am a little bit of a perfectionist, so that kind of thing drives me nuts because I will never get it right, it seems.  I finally gave my sewing machine away a couple of years ago.  It was relieving, but at the same time sad.  I still have such an urge to make clothes…I have all kinds of designs in my head that I think would be really cool, but executing them seems insane.  I have a few clothing designer friends that have their clothing lines made for them, but that is a huge undertaking as well…but I’ve considered it.  I also have all these friends who dabble in sewing, often for Burning Man costumes…and they turn out great.  So I get discouraged yet again (especially after I tried to alter a coat a few years ago for B-Man and I just wanted to pull my hair out the whole time, it turned out so badly).  I know I could just take a sewing class and start learning the basics again, but I just haven’t taken the time.

Similar story with painting and guitar.  I took a painting class years ago and really enjoyed it.  I painted a few things after, some horrible, others okay.  But finally I got sick of owning an easel and all these canvases and paints.  They were just cluttering my life (along with my sewing machine) and just haunting me every time I looked at them.  I was never going to be some amazing painter, so why even bother?  And the guitar…well my dad gave my his many years ago because he never played it and I expressed an interest in it.  I started playing a little but never took lessons and got discouraged because I don’t really have a natural musical ear.  I also love to sing, but I don’t think I sing that well.  Nor do I write well.  So again, it sat around, collecting dust and making me feel guilty…especially after my dad died.  Last year, I finally let go of it and sold it.  That was hard on many levels.

But here I am, wishing I still had a guitar and a sewing machine and an easel.  Or just wishing I could make amazing jewelry, or websites, or ANYTHING.  I wish I could produce something unique.

My therapist and I have talked about this a bit and she reminds me that it’s not even about producing anything good.  It’s just about creating…whatever comes out.  I guess I don’t even know where to start with that. I don’t want to buy a whole bunch of supplies for something that isn’t going to get me anywhere.

Ugh, I feel like I am talking in circles at this point.  I just have a lot of energy about this topic.  I want to realize my gifts and use them in a fulfilling way.  I think I have gifts that will make me a good therapist, so at least I am on that path.  But I also really need a creative outlet…and soon.

Do any of you have thoughts on the subject of creativity?


Tagged hooping, life, movement

10 Responses to “creativity envy”

  1. Ruth Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    Hi Jen,
    Thanks for posting this! I’m amazed that you can write after all the papers. You should know that I have been so inspired by you. I love your way of being in the world, and I so want to be freer in my own self-expression, like you are.

    Also, you said you liked my drawing. Thanks! My son told me he thought it was weird. I asked how it could be better, and he told me to throw it in the garbage can! Ouch. I know it’s not perfect, but I kind of liked it. I wrote a screenplay that took me 13 years to finish. I put everything I had into it, and when I sent it to a professional that I trusted, he suggested I scrap the whole thing. So I can definitely relate to your envy and frustration! I keep trying despite my disappointment. I like to make things. I don’t know why. I’m so glad that we’re in school together, and I can’t wait to see you again. You really are the light!

  2. Cassondra Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    I so relate to this. I also have the bad habit of wanting to be immediately good at everything I do. If I’m not, I quickly grow frustrated and unhappy.

    I especially identify with this part:
    “I guess I have this idea in my head that if I find the “right” thing, I will be naturally good at it and it will be so fun because I have such a passion for it. I will be in flow. ”

    I always felt that would be true, but I don’t think it is. I think some people are more naturally good at things, but they still have to work hard. Maybe they WANT to work harder than the rest of us, and that is what makes them so good.

    I got my degree in singing, and I’m glad I did, but I’m still left with the what now feeling. I’m not sure that I am realistically good enough to pursue it professionally, and it really is about the look as well as the voice. If you want to do it professionally, you have to commit…a lot. And you have to believe you CAN do it. There can be no room for doubt. I’m just not that person.

    For the rest of us, I feel like there comes a point where you just have to do something because you like it without any sort of expectation of what it might become.

    I have a thought to start your process. I think I told you about that book Zen and the Art of Making a Living. If you haven’t read it, get it. It isn’t a big commitment. It doesn’t take up a lot of space, but I think it will really give you a lot of insight into the creative process, and help you have more positive feelings. I think I’m similar to you in that I have all of these great ideas, but when it comes to actually executing them I get overwhelmed. I sort of think that the most important step is the first one. Just give yourself permission to think creative thoughts. The rest will come.

  3. jennaluna Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    @Ruth, I thought your drawing was awesome!

    An being an actor, I have always wanted to write a screenplay, but man, so much work. I’m glad you keep creating, because I think you are amazing. You are an inspiration.

  4. jennaluna Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    @Cassondra, In classic Jen fashion, I bought that book right when you told me about it and have yet to read it. This is another one of my problems…I literally have dozens and dozens of amazing books I mean to read. *sigh*. But I will move this one towards the top of my list…after I read a couple for school and one that my friend wrote.

  5. Allison Says:
    August 28th, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    I feel like my thoughts on creativity can be so scattered. It really depends on my mood & my current frame of mind.

    With the environments we’re in (surrounded by creative & artistic people) it can be difficult for me to remember that these groups are far & few between. I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by people who ‘get’ that I’m a “fuzzy” rather than a “techie”.

    Occasionally out of my bubble I meet someone who is an accountant or a lawyer or whatever & they can’t believe I…well, manage to exist! ;]

    I think you do a lot of creative things – you’re just not viewing them as such. How about your smoothie combos? Collaging? Inspiring those around you?

    Silly goose.

    I loved this post. Lots to chew on tonight.

  6. Jo Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 12:36 am

    I’m a lurker here but you’ve kicked me into commenting!
    So I could have written this post. Every. Single. Word.
    I still struggle with this issue but recently I’ve found some peace with this idea: that our lives are our great creative work. That we each have a little piece of the Universe for which we are responsible. A room of our own. And we use our creativity by making it as beautiful as possible. That means literally, by having a lovely home and things you love aound you. It also means creating the atmosphere, the vibe, and making it feel GOOD. The relationships we have are part of it, the music we listen to, the art we have on our bodies…anything you can think of.
    As someone who likes to move her furniture round at least once a week (and I bet you do too), the thought of being given a chunk of the Universe to create…well I have to say that beats all the unused canvasses, the unworn dance shoes, the uncut lino and unrolled rollers, the dusty crochet hook and the redundant sewing machine.
    And finally, and then I’ll go away, I think that if we take this responsibility and love it then a way forward that fits this lifetime, something material and tangible, can only follow.

  7. Betherann Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 7:51 am

    This post spoke to exactly where I am right now in my creative life (with manifests in writing and hooping). I really identified with this: “Another one of my problems is that I compare myself too much to others. I get involved in some creative endeavor and find others who are doing it too and they seem to enjoy it more than me and be way better at it than me and then I am just over it.”

    I get like that so easily. I watch hooping videos and instead of being inspired, I get depressed and discouraged. “Why bother?” I think, “when so many others are already so much better at this thing than I am?”

    But your therapist is onto something. And I think that the creative process is also about US, not about others. I’ve noticed with my hooping videos on YouTube/Hoop City, people really identify and give positive feedback on the ones where I am just my silly self, when I don’t try to emulate the established, professional, “good” hoopers. I’d imagine the same is true for you (and everybody!) whatever creative outlet(s) you choose.

  8. jennaluna Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Man I totally get discouraged/depressed when I watch hooping videos too. I don’t watch very many anymore though, so that helps. haha

    I like the idea of being my silly stuff, you are totally right.

  9. jennaluna Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 11:55 am

    I love this sooooo much, thank you for commenting!!! You have given me a totally new way of looking at all this. Wow.

    I totally do get creative with my house, the way I dress, my tattoos, etc.

    Thank you!

  10. jennaluna Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 11:55 am

    xoxo

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