New Year’s expectations…

4 Comments » // January 3rd, 2010

For some reason I keep having this idea in my mind that I should be already be having this fabulous New Year…that somehow my life should have instantly gotten better because 2009 is finally over. 2009 was a bit of a rough year for me, especially towards the end. Don’t get me wrong, many wonderful things happened too and I am grateful for so much, but things have been pretty intense the past few months.

A quick update: My boyfriend and I have broken up and he already has a new girlfriend. Yes, this is very hard for me. Even though our breakup was pretty mutual, it sort of seemed like there was room in the future to see how things might play out, etc. So finding out (via facebook, I might add) that he had a new girlfriend was a kick to the gut. Now that I have had a week to mull it over, I have been through a gamut of emotions…the normal parts of grieving. Right now I am a little bit in the annoyed and bitter phase as I watch him do things with her that we were supposed to do together but never had the money or time. Now he has this great job (that he moved to FL for…one of the many reasons we broke up) and is making tons of money. Plus he has lost a bunch of weight and is just doing all these things he always said he was going to do. It’s just so classic.

But I am beginning to feel truly happy for him and I do wish him the best. I know we will be able to be good friends eventually, although that is a little hard for me right now. I also know that there is someone amazing out there for me too, although I am scared at the idea of dating right now. I need more time to heal and get my life more in order before I open my heart to someone again. I do have little crushes here and there, but I can feel that I am vulnerable right now and need to be careful.

Anyway, so I just moved into a new place and am still in boxes and things just don’t quite feel right and comfortable yet. I am a bit depressed. That’s all there is to it. I just need to be okay with it, but it is hard to stand sometimes. Especially when you know that your ex is all happy and in love and has this whole new life. I am still figuring out my life, still weeding through friends here in the Bay Area, trying to find the people who share my interests and values, etc. Trying to make it through school, get ready for Grad School and pay my bills and get in better shape, figure out my new job situation, etc.  I’m also really missing Portland and have been thinking about when I should move back, etc.

As I am writing this post, I am realizing that I do sort of sound bitter and ungrateful. I would like say that I am extremely grateful for so much right now and always am. I’m just processing a lot of changes and hurts and am just being honest about my feelings. This is really more of a journal entry than a blog post and it just feels good to get it out. I will still post it because I am not one to hide my real feelings that often.

My whole point is that I think I had these ridiculous expectations that I was going to be magically better after the New Year…mainly because I had a great NYE and was feeling so much better that day. But here I am, melancholy yet again, sitting in an apartment full of boxes and no motivation to unpack them. I’m starting school again soon and need to work on my Grad School application this week and basically just get a bunch of stuff done that I have let go through all the turmoil. And I have so much stuff…why do I have so much stuff? I feel like I unclutter all the time, yet here I am with just so much stuff.

I guess I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and am just finding solace in relaxing. But I need to get a move on all this soon.

I do have some New Year’s “resolutions”, although I hate calling them that.  But I have started working out again and have already lost 7 pounds.  I’m working on lots of other things continuously too, so I got that goin’ for me.