an awesome life lesson

7 Comments » // August 19th, 2009

Wow.  So some interesting stuff has been going down in my world over the past few days.  I basically found out that someone I thought I was friends with is really not digging me right now.  I found this out via some Facebook drama, which is just so ridiculous and seems very high school.  That is not what I need or want from Facebook at all.  Or from anywhere for that matter.

Long story short, someone that is a pretty big part of my life has let me know quite obviously that they don’t like me and has accused me of many things that are Just. Not. True.  Not at all.  I tried to explain this to this person, which totally ended up with them accusing me of even worse stuff and that I was lying about it all.  This is something that really pushes my buttons.  Like when I see a movie or a TV show where someone is being falsely accused or where someone doesn’t believe someone, it kills me.  It breaks my heart and makes me feel like I am crazy.

So I soon realized that it will not matter what I do to convince this person of my “innocence” or good intentions or whatever, they have made up their mind about the way they think things are.  I could show them facts and figures and it still wouldn’t matter.

So I am letting it all go.  I wrote them a kind email explaining this and told them that I hope we can be friends again someday and that I love them very much.  I got no response to this and I am saddened to lose this friendship because I care about this person very much.  Honestly, if the situation was different I probably wouldn’t even bother trying to be friends again, but this person is sort of permanently in my life at this point.  We will have to be around each other, there is no avoiding it.  I am not going to let them bully me out of such a huge part of my life or alienate me from other close people in my life.  That seems to be what they want and it’s not going to happen.

I honestly was devastated about this whole thing when it first went down, crying for hours.  I am very sensitive and really just want to be accepted.  I consider myself to be a good person with good intentions.  I also am always very willing to hear people’s criticisms of me and try to improve myself wherever I can.  Too willing at times. I realized this yesterday in therapy while talking this whole ordeal over with my awesome therapist, Maggie.  You see, I really heard what this person said and even though I knew in my heart of hearts that none of it was true, I let it get to me and started doubting myself.   I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being oblivious or in denial about some things.  But Maggie helped me see that I am too quick to assume that everything other people are saying about me is right and I am constantly trying to improve myself and be more evolved, etc.  While some of this is very healthy, the true evolution I am needing right now is self acceptance.  I am Divine and Perfect just as I am.  I am always growing and learning and am very grateful for that.  But sometimes I need to just sit back and appreciate who I am right now and how far I have come. And when someone has a critique of me, I can just hear it, give it some space and go from there.  I’ve got to stop taking everyone else’s opinion of me as gospel.  All that really matters is that I love myself (still working on this one) and know that I am doing my best in this world.  I just have to remind myself that this is about them, not me.

I am also blessed to have the support of my close friends and family and that helps me navigate through what is true and what isn’t.  It basically makes me feel less crazy…haha.

I have also learned from this experience that I have done this exact same thing to other people in my life.  Well not the bullying part, because that is just so not how I roll…but the making assumptions and judgments about how people are living their lives.  So I am going to try to stop doing that.  I can just focus on myself and my issues and if I have that feeling towards someone I can just observe it and check it.  Is it because they are doing something that I do and don’t like about myself?  Is it just me projecting what I *think* they are doing because I have a fear of it or do it myself and don’t like it.  Or am I just misinformed?  Am I just distracting myself from my own sh*t because it is easier to judge someone else?  Whatever the reason is, it’s about me, not them.  If it is a situation where I feel they are directly hurting me, a loved one, or themselves then I will directly talk to them about my feelings in a kind, responsible and calm way and truly listen to what they have to say with no judgment and just a willingness to have an open heart and mind.  I want to be conscious in my relationships in this world and communicate on a healthy level.  I have done that in this recent situation more than I would have in the past, and for that I am proud.  I didn’t handle it perfectly, but I’m still learning, right?

Unfortunately I had to delete this person off of my Facebook, which made me sad…but it had to be done.  It was unhealthy for me to have to see status updates written about me or have rude comments written to me or my friends.

I am very grateful for this opportunity to learn and grow.  If you are still reading this, then thank you.  I know it was long, but I feel much better after writing it all out.

Peace.