an insecure, whiny post

5 Comments » // January 13th, 2009

I am not sure where I am going to go with this post or even if I am going to actually publish it, but I am at least writing because it feels like the right thing to do right now.  I am emotional right now, sort of on edge and I am not completely sure why.  I have ideas, little things…probably all adding up to the way I am feeling tonight.

Basically I have found recently that my insecurities have gotten the best of me again.  While things are going very well in my life and I feel so grateful for so many things, I am still dealing with major feelings of inadequacy, envy and uncertainty.  I know I am not alone in this, but it’s hard not to feel alone when you are going through it.  Especially being around the amazing people I am around these days.  That is part of the reason I feel this way.

It’s so odd because I am so thankful to have all these new spectacular friends in my life, particularly the incredible women who have entered my world recently, but at the same time, being around them is so challenging for me.  I am just so insecure and feel like I am not good enough sometimes.  Especially when I am around the hooping women in my life…they are all so talented and I feel so chubby and uncoordinated around them.  I feel blessed to have made it into the HoopGirl Allstars, but it is really bringing up so major emotions/issues for me.  Especially body/self image and worthiness stuff.  I would have thought that I would feel even more beautiful and amazing being an Allstar, but I am starting to feel like I did in LA…being around women with incredible looks/bodies/talents and never feeling like I truly fit in.  Yes I know I am a good hooper and that I have already lost 17 pounds in the last few months…so I should feel great, right?  I do on most days…at least until I am around all the other amazing girls and then I feel so blech.  I am trying to work through this, but it is so difficult.  There have also been little things that happen that just put me over the edge right when I think I’m going to be ok…little attacks to my self-esteem…mostly ones that I am probably making up in my head, but they are there for me nonetheless.

I know the Universe is just testing me right now and that I will be all the stronger if I can remain confident through it all.  So I will stick it out and breathe and remind myself that I am good enough, smart enough and gosh-darnit, people like me.  And that somehow having to wear booty shorts and metallic spandex is good for my soul in the long run.

Then there is also the issue of how busy I am…and the envy I have for others who seem to have lots of free time, or at least just less to do.  I know I could choose to do less, but I don’t really feel as if I have that option.  I need to be going to school because I need to find a good career path that can support and fulfill me and I am so grateful to have such a passion for Psychology.  I also need to work and am so blessed to have found a few flexible part-time jobs…but that is a challenge in it’s own right…having a lot of little jobs can often be more stressful than just having one.  I find that I am constantly juggling.  I also am choosing to have my own business because in dating an entrepreneur, it’s practically a rule…it just happens…plus there is a demand in the hooping world that I am getting ready to fulfill in the next few months and it’s exciting…but a lot of work.  I also need to be continuing research in the lab at school and looking for other lab positions because it is good for Grad School which I will be applying to in less than a year.  Each of these things alone are a lot of work…but all of these things together equal finding a balance that I struggle with.

And yes, I am sometimes envious of my friends who are just going to school or just working one job or make just hooping/dance their life…I know envy is not a good thing to have, but it’s definitely a feeling I know all too well.  But I also know that I thrive on being busy and struggle less with depression when I am.  So for me, this is good…if I can make sure to have the balance and really work hard/play hard, all will be ok.  I want to make time to travel and have fun.  I also know that a lot of this is the means to an end.  Hopefully someday I will not be quite this busy, or at least maybe I will be busy in a different way.

There is also this insecurity of being around people who just seem to have it so together…like they meditate every day, go to yoga/dance classes daily, hoop every day, eat soooo well, have such conscious languaging, positive thoughts, etc. etc…I could go on and on…I find these people inspiring, but then I also find that I can start to feel so unevolved at times.  I mean, I finally got my altar area set up in my house and have the intention of meditating daily, but it just doesn’t happen.  I have the printout of my gym’s yoga/dance schedule and yet I never seem to go.  I finally got my hooping area set up yet I don’t hoop as often as I probably should…thank goodness for teaching and rehearsals which forces me to do it!  I know so much about nutrition, yet I still often eat like crap and unconsciously.  My higher self would be a vegan if she had her way, but I find that I am not ready for that diet again, even though I know how amazing it can be for the body, planet, etc.  I know about the Law of Attraction and positive thoughts and find that I am pretty good about it, but definitely need improvement in that department as well.

I am just trying to keep evolving and like to be around inspiring people…I guess until I just feel so far away from so many goals.  But I don’t even know if they are my goals, their goals, or society’s goals?  I guess sometimes I feel unsure of what my true goals are.  Even though I think of myself as this person who follows her gut and dreams, etc….I still find that I live for other people in some ways.  It’s sort of what I am dealing with right now in the Grad School area of my life…figuring out if I am wanting to just do a Masters or get my PhD…knowing that yes, having a PhD could be really good, but feeling like I do not want to go through with that for so many reasons.  I just have to follow my gut, sometimes against the advice of others…which has always worked out for me, NO REGRETS!

although I may regret writing this insecure, whiny post!  While it probably didn’t make much sense, I feel better getting all of these emotions/thoughts out of my head…and I am trying not to be insecure about it!

I of course just remembered a reason that I am sure I am a little out of whack…we have a house guest right now…and he’s staying for a period of time that we are not sure of yet.  This is nothing against him, as he may be reading this…it’s more about me.  He is a fine house guest and we are glad to be able to help out…I am just not that good with having other energies around for long periods of time.  I am an introverted only child that grew up out in the country and needs a lot of alone time.  I find that I get unbalanced when others are around…but I am getting better.  We lived with my boyfriend’s family for a while when we were transitioning from LA to here last year and that was a good challenge.  I am finding that I am feeling less anxiety than normal in this current situation too…so that’s something right?  I am evolving!  yay!

ok enough of this blathering…I feel better, thanks.