jensanity

Wow, I haven’t posted in a year.  What a year…

Well, I am in a weird space these days.  I am not gonna lie, things have been a little rough lately. While I always have a baseline level of gratitude and have so much to be thankful for, I also have some stuff in my life right now that just plain sucks.

I’m almost 36 years old and I’m still single. I have been dating off and on, but just cannot seem to find the right person. I was recently dating someone who I thought was really going to work out and be great and he just didn’t.  It really frustrates me because I had actually attracted someone who seemed so available (I have had a tendency of going after unavailable men for a while now) and was really proud of myself for working through my issues around being with an available man, and then BAM, he became unavailable.  Arrrggghhhh!  It’s like he was a shape-shifter and just appeared to be available.  I was tricked!  I’m trying to remind myself that I actually overcame something huge and learned a lot from this situation, but it is hard to be positive when all I feel is sadness, anger and disappointment.  I often wonder when I will finally find that person that will be my partner in crime.  I am no Spring Chicken and it’s starting to get frustrating.  I do want marriage and kids, so the clock is ticking.  Plus most of my friends are married or in relationships and it’s hard to feel connected to those people.  I’m starting to feel like Bridget Jones, but even she found someone by her early thirties.

Then there’s the school/practicum situation…I don’t even know how to begin to explain that.  Let’s just say that it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with (besides my father’s death).  It is frustrating beyond words.  And if I don’t find a practicum site soon, my graduation will be postponed for who knows how long, which means my licensing is postponed, therefore my career is postponed, therefore my livelihood, etc.  So yeah, that’s pretty scary.

I of course, have so much to be grateful for.  I have an amazing family, a great place to live, I love being back in Portland, I love my animals (even when they’re annoying), and I have great friends (when I get to see them).  I also love The Bar Method and am grateful for what it has brought into my life.  I also have my health and after having a health scare a couple of months ago, I am really grateful for that.

I’m trying so hard to see the positive through all this pain, doubt, uncertainty, etc.  But sometimes I just have to give into it and know that feeling THROUGH it is the only way out.  But I need a little help from The Universe…just a little sign that I’m on the right path and that it will all work out soon.

Just a little vlog to give gratitude to California.

I have been thinking a lot today about where I was just a year ago in my life. This past year has definitely been a rough one, but a beautiful one as well. It has been a time for me to be in my cocoon of healing and rediscovering myself and I am now re-emerging.

They say (they being scientists, I guess) that once a caterpillar goes into its cocoon, it literally liquifies down to the molecular level to be able to transform into a butterfly. Then when it is ready, it has to break out of its cocoon. The process by which it breaks out is what develops its wing strength in order for it to be able to then fly. If someone were to let the butterfly out too early, it would not be ready.

I think about this phenomenon a lot. It is obviously a great spiritual metaphor. it definitely has been a good one for me over the past year. One year ago, I was in the midst of ending my 5-year relationship, moving out of the apartment I shared with him, dealing with a traumatic haircut (sounds ridiculous, but it was horrible for me at the time), starting a new job, dealing with having gained weight yet again, trying to wrap up my final year at Cal, applying to grad school, etc. I was depressed. It was really hard. All of it. I wasn’t very happy in the Bay Area, didn’t have friends that I really wanted to hang out with and just felt very lost. Hooping wasn’t even doing it for me anymore.

But I kept on truckin’ through it, knowing deep down that it was just a cocooning time for me. Time to just heal and reflect and make it through my everyday existence. And I practiced a lot of gratitude…because I still had so much to be grateful for…I always do.

And NOW…wow. One year later and I am a different person. Still the same silly Jen, but with shiny new butterfly wings. I have emerged from my cocoon and am spreading my wings. People tried to bust me out early, but I waited. I knew I needed to wait. I needed my strength. And boy was it worth it.

I have lost 15 pounds and am losing more every month. I look forward to my active lifestyle now. I need it. I’m even finding myself in the hoop again. My hair is growing out and I feel like myself again. I have embraced myself in so many ways…rockin’ my tattoos, the way I operate in the world, my passions, my strengths, my weaknesses, etc. Just me. I am in grad school and my program is incredible. It is going to change me for the better…it actually already has.

I am also finally moving back to Portland and I am stoked. While it is hard to leave the Bay Area after meeting so many great people over the past few months, I know this is my path. I am someone who follows her gut, as crazy as it seems sometimes, and my gut is telling me to move back to Portland. So I am going with it. I am also starting my coaching business. It’s pretty much one of the scariest things I have ever done, but it feels so right. I’m on my edge and I’m loving what it is creating in me.

I am also functioning on an emotional, mental and spiritual level like never before. There is so much changing in the way I relate to others, communicate, think about myself, etc. It is so beautiful. And challenging. But I totally get bored without a good challenge, so…

So yeah…life is good. Life is beautiful. I am grateful for all of it. Even the vulnerable moments, the moments that shake me to my core. They are still there of course. But I embrace them all. I know they lead to the epic moments of joy and connection that I thrive on. Which reminds me…check out my recent inspiration:

I have taken a pretty long break from hooping…haven’t hooped regularly in about a year and a half. But I felt drawn to hoop tonight and decided to even do a video. I’m pretty tired and goofy in it, which always makes for a fun time.

As many of you know, I have recently decided to move back to what I consider to be the best city in the world, also known as Portland, Oregon.  I was born and raised in the Portland Metropolitan Area (aside from the 4 years I lived Mukilteo, WA from age 2-6, which all I remember of is eating a lot of Mac ‘N Cheese and watching a lot of Wonder Woman), so for me this means I am going home!  Most of my family lives in the Portland area and I have a lot of amazing friends there too.

So I’m pretty damn excited about finally going home again…except for when I am at my new amazing grad school, CIIS.  Man, when I am there, I get really bummed that I finally found some real quality people I want to hang out with in the Bay Area and now I am leaving…how crazy am I?!  But even though I am connecting with all these new, amazing people, every time I consider staying I realize that I just really want to move back to PDX.  For so many reasons.  Plus, I know that I will maintain these connections because I will spend one long weekend a month with these peeps AND our connections are on a much deeper level than your average friendship because of the program/situation we are in.  Good stuff.

But back to why I want to move to Portland: the overarching reason is the fact that I want to settle down there.  I want to have a life there.  I want to raise kids there. So being that I am single right now and the chances of me meeting someone down here who would want to move to Portland are slim, it’s a really good time for me to move up there.  And very soon I will have to start finding a clinic to do my practicum in.  Practicum is where I get a large amount of the clinical hours I will need for licensing as a psychotherapist…and they are done while you are in school…kind of like an internship.  Well it makes sense that if I want to eventually be licensed in Oregon, that I need to get my hours in Oregon and should start networking in the Portland therapeutic community as soon as possible in order to find a great practicum there!

So it really makes sense for me to move NOW.  Plus I just freaking heart Portland more than I can explain and have missed it the entire 9 years I have been away.  Most of the time I was gone I talked about moving back someday, had Oregon stickers on my car, etc.  In the past year I especially started noticing that I was doing a little of the “when I finally move back to Portland, then my life can really start”.  While I don’t want to think like that about anything, I also realized that it was a clear message that I needed to just get back soon.  I’m glad I got to experience both L.A. and the Bay Area…they rock in their own way too.  But, as Tom Petty says, it’s time to move on.