I haven’t written a blog post on here in over two years. But I’ve been thinking of dabbling in some writing again, just to see what happens.
It’s been a beautiful, busy few years. I finished grad school. I now have my own private counseling practice, Be Luminous Counseling. I’ve started dating someone wonderful after struggling in the dating world for a very long while. This relationship is still quite new, so it feels a little vulnerable to even be writing about it. But as a Vulnerability Warrior (as some of my friends call me), I’m okay with that.
About a week ago, the guy I’m dating and I had a big conversation around the possibilities of our future together. One of the main topics was around having children or not. I’m 38, he’s 43. It’s an important thing to be thinking about. Yet, it is so early for us; we are only 4 months in. He is in the midst of a big career shift and is most likely starting grad school in the fall. I am in the midst of building my private practice, getting some groups and workshops going, and learning some major business/marketing techniques to help myself with all of this. We are also both right in the heart of a two-year psychotherapy training program (which is how we met). So, neither of us are actually in a mental, emotional, or financial space to have children right now.
And in our conversation, he revealed that he isn’t totally sure he will even want to have a child in a few years. May I remind you that I’m 38? So, I only have a few years left if I want to have a child the “normal” way (which I am definitely drawn to doing). His honesty around this was so powerful and also very difficult for me. It was an emotional discussion, but out of it came the realization of where we are at with each other. That we are in love. And that we want to try to make things work. But that it is all a bit uncertain right now. And while that’s tough, it’s okay…for now. And that we are both going to continue to get clear around our wants and needs and if those align with each other or not. It’s all beautiful, and also really effing scary.
The thing is, I DO want children. For a long time, I have thought it would be great to have a biological child and then adopt another child. That is still quite appealing to me. But there’s this other thing: I’m not ready. At all. And it’s not the thing about not feeling ready and knowing that no one is really ever ready to have a child. I’m really NOT ready. Now is not the time. And I’m not sure when it will be. And if I’ll even be able to have children at that time. And if I will still want to.
This is all just the tip of the iceberg on this whole thing, but basically what I’m realizing is that the “child” I am birthing and raising right now is my business. My purpose and work on this planet. It is my passion and is the most important thing I have ever done. And that feels fulfilling. And I’m just getting started. There are some labor pains right now, or maybe I’m just trying to figure out how to breastfeed. Wherever I am at, I know I am exactly where I need to be right now. I don’t know what my future will bring…but I do know that no matter what happens, I will be okay with it in the long run. Even if it isn’t what I have “planned” in my head. I trust and surrender to what is in store for me.